Writing out of boredom here at the office, waiting for my shift to be over and I can go home. I like posting on this site because it’s anonymous, low trafficked and I am not trying to impress anyone. I made a decision earlier in the week to let go of the desire that has driven me all my life. That is my desire for love. I am in a painful marriage one that I wish would get better, but never does; one that is both loveless and sexless. And it’s one that I cannot leave. So I surrender it all. I give up now. I let go. I accept that I doing penance for an unknown crime; a karmic transgression from a previous incarnation. I will never know what it is like to love or be loved. I have lost. I have wasted for too many years trying, and I am tired, so tired. I am done. The pain, the isolation, the loneliness is too great a burden to bear. I accept that I have failed, failed miserably. Not just in my marriage but all those relationships before my marriage. Love is meant for others but was never meant to be for me. All I can do now is live the rest of my life for my sons. Give them the best I can give. As for the rest I am done. I am out of step and out of time and closing down. I simply can’t afford to hurt any more.
Writing out of boredom here at the office, waiting for my shift to be over and I can go home. I like posting on this site because it’s anonymous, low trafficked and I am not trying to impress anyone. I made a decision earlier in the week to let go of the desire that has driven me all my life. That is my desire for love. I am in a painful marriage one that I wish would get better, but never does; one that is both loveless and sexless. And it’s one that I cannot leave. So I surrender it all. I give up now. I let go. I accept that I doing penance for an unknown crime; a karmic transgression from a previous incarnation. I will never know what it is like to love or be loved. I have lost. I have wasted for too many years trying, and I am tired, so tired. I am done. The pain, the isolation, the loneliness is too great a burden to bear. I accept that I have failed, failed miserably. Not just in my marriage but all those relationships before my marriage. Love is meant for others but was never meant to be for me. All I can do now is live the rest of my life for my sons. Give them the best I can give. As for the rest I am done. I am out of step and out of time and closing down. I simply can’t afford to hurt any more.
Lucasa, baby , I can feel your pain. It feels like you are talking about my own life. I am in the same situation. Talking about living your life for your sons, I feel the same way .I have 3 sons myself. I see no way out. Hmmmmmmmm, if you only know!!! Put everything in the hands of God.
Lucasa, baby , I can feel your pain. It feels like you are talking about my own life. I am in the same situation. Talking about living your life for your sons, I feel the same way .I have 3 sons myself. I see no way out. Hmmmmmmmm, if you only know!!! Put everything in the hands of God.
Go to goCougar to try their forum. It has a little more life than the blogs here. I will probably join again in the future but am just taking a break and using other sites in the interim. The people who posted the most interesting blogs over the last five years no longer participate unfortunately and the cycle of comments keeps re-occurring on a cyclical basis i.e. the wheel keeps getting re-invented. Keep the faith and maybe one of those respondents will return - just for fun and comment
Go to goCougar to try their forum. It has a little more life than the blogs here. I will probably join again in the future but am just taking a break and using other sites in the interim. The people who posted the most interesting blogs over the last five years no longer participate unfortunately and the cycle of comments keeps re-occurring on a cyclical basis i.e. the wheel keeps getting re-invented. Keep the faith and maybe one of those respondents will return - just for fun and comment
Helena...I am just looking for friends and people to enjoy writing to, male or female. Same with blog sites. I am kinda limited in my writing related to the theme of this particular site so i don't write a lot here.but this is the only social network site that that escapes my company's firewall. Its help fill the dead time at the office.
Helena...I am just looking for friends and people to enjoy writing to, male or female. Same with blog sites. I am kinda limited in my writing related to the theme of this particular site so i don't write a lot here.but this is the only social network site that that escapes my company's firewall. Its help fill the dead time at the office.
Okay now i know where you are coming from. It is sometimes hard to relate with the info given. Since you need your children, why do you need women from this site?
Okay now i know where you are coming from. It is sometimes hard to relate with the info given. Since you need your children, why do you need women from this site?
Jag, thanks. I missed your comment earlier. Reading a little about you, I wish I knew a way I could help you. For a number of years I felt similarly to the way you feel. And I know it is positively one of the worst feelings in the world made worse because it never goes away.
Jag, thanks. I missed your comment earlier. Reading a little about you, I wish I knew a way I could help you. For a number of years I felt similarly to the way you feel. And I know it is positively one of the worst feelings in the world made worse because it never goes away.
Thanks Lite. Helena I agree with everything you said. However, one of the factors in my staying where I am is not the fact that my kids need me. Quite the reverse. I need them. Yeah they can be brats, but they are the one constant source of joy in my life. :)
Thanks Lite. Helena I agree with everything you said. However, one of the factors in my staying where I am is not the fact that my kids need me. Quite the reverse. I need them. Yeah they can be brats, but they are the one constant source of joy in my life. :)
That is lame my friend. If your marriage is not good/is over, step away for both you and your parnter/and any children there might be. I stayed in a loveless situation for the kids for a decade and it was not worth it for them or me. Anyone in a similar situation should stop deluding themselves that is for the kids = you are just too lame to make a positive decision. Been there, done that, been crapped on from all directions for it, now, move on and enjoy life.
That is lame my friend. If your marriage is not good/is over, step away for both you and your parnter/and any children there might be. I stayed in a loveless situation for the kids for a decade and it was not worth it for them or me. Anyone in a similar situation should stop deluding themselves that is for the kids = you are just too lame to make a positive decision. Been there, done that, been crapped on from all directions for it, now, move on and enjoy life.
Thank you for your kindness. I have no problems talking to you at all. Emails are fine. I am not a paid member here, so it will probably take day for this to be posted on here. But yes I would be interested.
Hey Lite
Thank you for your kindness. I have no problems talking to you at all. Emails are fine. I am not a paid member here, so it will probably take day for this to be posted on here. But yes I would be interested.
Hey Lite ---- well I take half the blame for my marriage being bad. But as far as the sexlessness goes, my wife is emotionally dead. She has absolutely zero desire (at least for me). I have pushed the issue, and she will relent, but in the end I don't want someone to just lie there.
I wrote just because I realized how much effort I was putting into filling this hole I feel inside of me. And its a waste of years for me. I will go on and just be without. Its the best I can do for now.
Jag, I feel for you. I was that was up until my late 20s With the exception of a two year fairy tale life was very lonely. For me there just came a point where I had to stop making excuses and just put myself out there. Yeah it was painful, awkward, and whatever else you want to call. But I had to do it. I can't speak for you, but that action is what helped me.
Hey Lite ---- well I take half the blame for my marriage being bad. But as far as the sexlessness goes, my wife is emotionally dead. She has absolutely zero desire (at least for me). I have pushed the issue, and she will relent, but in the end I don't want someone to just lie there.
I wrote just because I realized how much effort I was putting into filling this hole I feel inside of me. And its a waste of years for me. I will go on and just be without. Its the best I can do for now.
Jag, I feel for you. I was that was up until my late 20s With the exception of a two year fairy tale life was very lonely. For me there just came a point where I had to stop making excuses and just put myself out there. Yeah it was painful, awkward, and whatever else you want to call. But I had to do it. I can't speak for you, but that action is what helped me.
Lucasa, Remember your wife is in a sexless loveless Marriage too. How does she feel about staying in it? It couldn't have always been like that...you mention Sons, there is something to be said for being there for your kids, but they grow up and lead their own lives. You are still a young man. I am supposing you have done all the things you should do try and heal the relationship. Counseling, ect. No one FAILS different relationships work in different ways...not always conventional. It can't be completly loveless as you obviously love your children. I know thats not Romantic love but love just the same. It doesn't do any good for children if you constantly bicker and insult each other though. You are both setting them an example. Love is meant for everyone, but we constantly change. This too shall pass. We can always find fault if we look too closely at anything. You sound very depressed and you are obviously a complex person. So if being like that is not working for you Change it. there are many ways to do that. You seem like a very nice man, What would make you happy right now?.
Lucasa, Remember your wife is in a sexless loveless Marriage too. How does she feel about staying in it? It couldn't have always been like that...you mention Sons, there is something to be said for being there for your kids, but they grow up and lead their own lives. You are still a young man. I am supposing you have done all the things you should do try and heal the relationship. Counseling, ect. No one FAILS different relationships work in different ways...not always conventional. It can't be completly loveless as you obviously love your children. I know thats not Romantic love but love just the same. It doesn't do any good for children if you constantly bicker and insult each other though. You are both setting them an example. Love is meant for everyone, but we constantly change. This too shall pass. We can always find fault if we look too closely at anything. You sound very depressed and you are obviously a complex person. So if being like that is not working for you Change it. there are many ways to do that. You seem like a very nice man, What would make you happy right now?.
